Good questions are always open-ended, i.e. they cannot be answered with a simple "Yes" or "No". These include all questions that start with what, how, when, where, why, or who. Here are a couple of examples:
If the other person responds, wonderful! But this is not the moment to switch off. The key here is to listen actively. People want attention. So show the other person that he or she has your attention by:
This brings us to the second important aspect for successful conversation: Understanding. We might think of ourselves as being very tolerant. However, it even happens to old pros that they sometimes let the other person know that they don't understand, particularly in times of stress:
These kinds of responses leave the other person feeling rejected. The message that you're indirectly conveying is: I have no desire to deal with you and your stuff. Are you stupid? You can't seriously mean that?
There's no reason for you to make such a statement that you don't understand the other person, at least not until much longer into the conversation. It's better to show your empathy and ask:
Understanding is closely related to another basic human need: people want affirmation from others in the conversation. Sounds easy, but it's not! We constantly refuse to grant this affirmation. Listen to the conversations around you. Either we don't respond at all and change the subject or respond with a piece of advice. An example:
A: The project needs to be done by the end of the week; this means working late for the whole team.
B: Get your act together: maybe you should have started your planning sooner.
Who wants to hear that? What person A really wanted in response: "I know. That's tough, but you'll manage!"
Even if you disagree and most likely would like to contradict that person, you should be diplomatic. Agree with him or her initially. Then you can differentiate your position. This will be much better received by the other person. If you say directly what you think, people often take it personally. They don't see it as a difference of opinion, but as a rejection. That's not a good turn in the conversation! So don't say: No, I don't agree!" Rather, say something like: Yes, I can understand that. I've also noticed, however, that..."
If you think this all sounds a bit fake, then remember what's at stake: The more you satisfy the wishes of the other person you're talking with, the better the conversation. The other will respect you more and pay better attention to you. Don't be surprised, if the other person then tries to meet your needs openly. He or she got something and now is willing to give you something in return!
So we now have to ask: How do you take the conversation to the actual topic? In most cases, small talk moves on all on its own, because the parties know that there is still something important to discuss. If you're not sure if all are aware of this, then you should say so at the beginning of the conversation. If someone doesn't get the hint, then it helps to look at your watch.
Then skillfully change subject with a sentence such as:
It's similar when you want to end the conversation. Make sure to be appreciative and respectful of the others. It's good to have a few phrases on hand to help you end the conversation, such as:
For the pros among you, a few words about body language. As described above, small talk should be relaxing. Your body language should be relaxed in a way appropriate to the context. Pay attention to the following things and strengthen your positive affect:
I hope you enjoy trying these ideas! With a little practice, you too can become a small-talk expert.